i dont know what i'm living for

i don't know who i am.
i dont know what im good at.
dunno my strengths, dunno my interests.

just what am i capable of?

those are the questions on my mind while on the train back home. im rather ok with my current job. i like it. i think it gives me good feelings when i provide financial solutions to my clients. i also feel good when my clients tell me "hey, thanks for this plan, i know i spend money like crazy, but now i can have a peace of mind, knowing i also have savings somewhere."

but then again, i'm not exactly comfortable with the "sales" aspect of it. as in, i don't exactly like to do road shows, i also hate door knockings and cold callings.

i recently had a talk with someone who just graduated from university. meaning she's younger than me lah, and just started working. we introduced ourselves and she asked me what i do, i said im an insurance agent with prudential. her reaction wasn't like "oh no!". it was more like "but why?". ha. the conversation was somewhat as follows:

me: oh, i'm with prudential. insurance agent.
she: oh, i see. but why didn't u go corporate or some executive positions or civil sector? where did u study and graduate?

yeah. i was thinkin to myself. what is so bad abt insurance that ppl will think its a lowly job? i wanted to ask her, why? is my job a very bad one, that i'd be better off at corporate? i paused for like 5 seconds. i know that 5 seconds felt like 10 years, because i was asking myself what am i doing? just what other jobs can i apply for? what exactly is my strength that employers will wanna hire me? i felt so small then. i felt like the smallest person in the room. with no achievements, no love life or relationship to speak of, im basically just nothing. alive that is. i'm worth alot more when i'm dead.

i think im at a crossroad. not knowing where i should head next. i know i'm not a sales person. i am not good at approaching people. so i know i can never be in retail. i can still get by with my current job, because i get referrals from clients and friends. and when i meet them, i have no problem doing a one on one financial presentation (or whatever u call it). i'm not very sociable, but the strange thing is, if i'm in a gathering where there are more talkative ppl around, i'll be the listener, not making any noise or comment, basically it'll be like i'm not there. but if i'm around ppl that are more shy and quiet than me, i'll be the super hyper one, talk up rubbish and break the ice. its so weird rite. if i'm at a party, i'll be at a corner by myself with a sangria or vodka in my hand. ok, abit off point, but what the hell.

i really dont know what i'm good at. but i know i'm bad at retail sales, bad at speaking in public, bad at giving presentations to a lecture room of ppl. while i was still schooling, i'd score high for term papers and essays and compositions (primary sch is call composition rite?) but i would suck at projects that require presentations and speaking in front of the class. sigh.

so what good do i do? just what exactly are my skills and qualities??

the best part is, i'm not getting any younger. the more i think, the lousier i think of myself. they always say,

if u don't have the brains, then u must have the looks.
not a good looker, then u must have talents.
not talented, then u must have a sense of humour.
if u're not funny, then u gotta be rich.

i am none of those things! i don't even know how to begin to describe how sad i am about my talentless self. i think i'm just a piece of crap and a lump of fat and a pathetic loser who is good at nothing but breathe air. no wonder my boss hates me.